


Never Say Farewell

by orphan_account



Category: Persona 4, Persona 5, Persona Series
Genre: Angst, Angst and Feels, M/M, Musical Chairs, [gestures to ship name]
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-03-09
Updated: 2015-03-09
Packaged: 2018-03-17 03:29:38
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,873
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3513641
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>He won't say it... He can't...</p>
            </blockquote>





	Never Say Farewell

**Author's Note:**

  * For [DeliveryHomo](https://archiveofourown.org/users/DeliveryHomo/gifts).



> A Yosuke POV to [this](http://deliveryhomo.tumblr.com/post/112830863650/here-we-go-again-this-time-with-sad-musical). [continues to shake fist at Alex and sob]

They say that fighting in a relationship is normal; there are ups and downs in the roller coaster called life, and some are more bumpy than others, but…  _how does anyone have a normal conversation about death?_

_"It's not a big deal, Yosuke."_ he'd told him at the time, when they were discussing what his group had planned for their next mission.

_"That's bullshit, Kazuki, and you know it. Hell! Didn't you ever stop to think that somethin' like that might be too much? It's not worth it."_ the response had been, of which had not been received well at all. 

_"Are you telling me that everything we've been doing so far hasn't been worth it? Is that it? You want me to stop?"_

_"That's not what I said, I just think what you have planned is stupid. You could get killed."_

All that followed had been loud and harsh profanities, a coffee mug thrown and shattering against the wall, along with the door almost being broken by the force of the slam that shut it. Of course the neighbours complained to Yosuke afterwards, and of course he politely told them to _fuck off._

"I almost said the goddamn line, Chie." Yosuke sighs as he paces back and forth, having already cleared up the broken mug on the floor.

He's on the phone to the one person he feels comfortable with talking about this, now that everyone knows about Kazuki and his friends. It's not like he has to hide that fact away from them either, especially not when it was Naoto that brought it to light for the rest of them. 

Except Yosuke himself, he found out by pure chance of a slip up of the Phantom's own doing; of his own boyfriend's mistake. Coming back to the place they both stayed at while wearing the outfit had not been the best of ideas, but at least there were no secrets between them any more.

"I'm not following you."

"You know, the  _'you're just a kid'_ line."

He can hear the sigh on the other end of the phone, it's not like Chie's trying to hide it either. They had such things told to them back when they were dealing with the murders in Inaba, back when the Investigation Team was still very much an active part of their lives.

"Yosuke…" the tone in her voice isn't one of disappointment, but of understanding, "I know. It feels different for us now, right? It's scary."

"Yeah, yeah…" he lets out a breath he didn't know he was holding, finally going back over to the sofa where he sits with his laptop in front of him, "I… wouldn't even know if I could use my Persona outside of the TV world again like last time. I know they're okay on their own, I mean,  _we_ were, but… it doesn't stop me from worrying, you know?”

There's a pause, and he knows she's trying to think of the right thing to say, even if she ends up saying the right things anyway. He's honestly grateful to Chie, more-so than she probably knows.

"I know… Remember when we worried about each other? We still kept on going. Yu-kun worried about us, but he knew we could do it. Have faith in them, Yosuke, they're stronger than you know.  _Kazuki-kun's_  stronger than you know."

The way she stresses his name has his eyes widening for a second. Maybe he…  _maybe he hasn't been taking him as seriously as he should have._

Maybe, deep down, he's been treating him like how they were treated by the adults around them during the time they were solving the case. Maybe he's been putting his worries on him, maybe he's just scared to lose yet another person he cares about, and maybe that's why he even suggested they stop if it gets too much.

Yosuke never stopped. Yu never stopped, none of them did, because if they had,  _Nanako wouldn't be alive right now._

"You're right, I… Thanks. Yeah, thank you, I think… everything's gonna be okay, but damn I… I need to apologise to him when he gets back."

"Happy to help," he doesn't have to see her to know she's smiling when she talks, "You get some rest when you need to though, alright, Yosuke?"

"Yeah, yeah, I'm not a kid, you know, I  _can_  take care of myself."

The phone conversation ends there, and he sits in silence for a moment. Thinking. Wondering. Wondering what Yu might have said at a time like this. He flicks through his music folders on his laptop, intent on finishing the playlist he was putting together prior. 

_'Before this happened…'_

Yosuke was never one for expressing himself adequately with words alone — everyone knew how much he ended up putting his foot in his mouth anyway — so music would do. A playlist, one put together specifically for the other. Maybe…  _maybe that'd make apologising easier._

He won't put Nickelback on there, no, another time may have been appropriate for a joke, but he doesn't need it backfiring if he were to do it now. He wants to express how he honestly feels, he  _needs_ to.

So he finds himself scanning through the music folders, picking out a particular band. RADWIMPS. It's embarrassing, but… the songs express how he feels exactly.

"Man, I'm so lame…" even as he sighs, he doesn't change his mind.

_'Love (Sadness), Soliloquy for Two, Is It Okay…'_

He throws in Irresistible by Fall Out Boy, just to save himself from too much embarrassment from the more serious lovey-dovey sounding songs. Hopefully the Phantom won't mind.

Once content with a few more songs, he sits there again. Thinking. Wondering.

His mind is taken back to Yu again, someone who…  _someone who's not around any longer._

Not Shadows, nothing they couldn't defend themselves against… but a crash. A violent crash that sent his best friend flying through the shattered glass of the passenger's side of the car, further down the road than should have been possible.

Yosuke had been in the back, and he… he doesn't remember much of who was or wasn't there, all he knows is that he wasn't sober that night, none of them were, which is why they had another driver, yet the horrendous accident  _still_ happened, and his friend was  _still_  sent to the hospital in critical condition.

_The next morning he was lost to them._

He doesn't like to think of the accident, he doesn't  _want_  to have it come up in his mind, but every time he finds out Kazuki's had a close run-in with Shadows, or some other problem that arises during their missions, he can't help but think  _'what if he doesn't come back?'._

It's not a thought he has every day, though it's often enough to have his breathing affected, to make his hands shake when Kazuki's not there at home with him on nights they're taking longer than normal. He cares too much, _loves_  him too much.

Which is why he's made this playlist in the first place. Hopefully he'll finally know just how much Yosuke feels for him, and if he laughs, he'll just have to punch him for it.

"Oh, he'll definitely say something…" A chuckle, and the Magician is finally happy with everything. 

The music, the folder name, how he's set up his laptop for when Kazuki finally opens it up. 'You're important, you know' are the words on the screen, and hopefully that enough will be an indication as to what it's all about.

He feels ridiculous, but if that's how he must feel so that his boyfriend knows how much he's loved, then that's the price he'll pay.

_"My best friend gave me the best advice,"_

Yosuke's eyes widen at the caller ID on his mobile, surprised to see he's being rung so late, and by the person who he's been doing all this for. 

He sucks in a breath, suddenly nervous. They're still not on good terms as far as Yosuke knows, and it's not like he can have an important conversation over the phone, for fear that his friends overhear the talk. Not like they don't know about them already, more it's to keep Yosuke's pride together.

"Yes?" He answers the phone without a 'Yeah', and he knows he sounds serious, but he can't help it.

"Hey, old man."

_'Thank god…'_ he deeply exhales away from the mic in the phone, glad that there's no serious voice speaking back to him.  _At least he's not angry any more._

"Kazuki? I thought you were… doing your thing."

"Yeah, well…" there's a pause, longer than usual, which only has the brunette on edge again, "I'm taking a breath. A Shadow got me pretty bad…"

"What do you— Are you alright?"

Yosuke holds his tongue for a moment, afraid that the frustration from before is almost slipping through. 

_'Dammit, 'What do you want?' would have made me sound like an ass, just listen to him for a change…'_

He'll put all his worries aside, he  _will,_  and he'll believe in Kazuki, because he  _does_ already.

"I'm fine… Just a little sleepy."

"You're always sleepy, though."

He can hear him laughing in response, and it makes something in Yosuke's chest flutter with warmth. It's a sound that he feels privileged to hear whenever it happens.

"That's true."

"So? Do you need something? You know what time it is, right?"

"I just wanted to hear your voice."

_Ba-dump._ The words pierce through his heart, making the heat rise in his cheeks, and he knows they must be blazing red at this point.  _Why do his words always affect him like this?_

It's embarrassing, but he can't retort, not when his attention is being drawn back to what's being said further, "I'm sorry… for our fight. I'm always causing you so much trouble."

No, don't  _do_  that, don't  _say_  that to him, not when  _he's_  the one in the wrong. Yosuke didn't break the mug, but it's his fault for even telling him to rethink fighting.

_'Don't do this.'_

"I'm pretty much to blame, too. I know you have something worth fighting for. I've been there, you know?"

He's been there, and he  _knows_  what it's like, he knows how it feels to fight, to have a goal to strive for, to do better, to want to change something in the world, and he has no right to tell Kazuki he shouldn't do the same.

"Yosuke-kun… I love you."

The words he wants to hear, but not this soon, it's… it's as if he's being given the easy road, he's… is he being forgiven? Is this it? He doesn't want Kazuki's pity, he wants him to shout at him if that's what the other wishes to do for treating him like a child, and yet…

_And yet it means so much._  He needs to hear it, needs to know that they are okay, he won't be able to sleep tonight otherwise.

"I love you too." the words fall out of his mouth so easily, and his heart's beating violently in his chest so much he can hear it in his ears.

The sooner Kazuki comes home, the better. The sooner Yosuke can apologise over, and over, and over again, and tell him how much he means to him, the better. The sooner he can confess to his fears, the better.

He just needs him home right now, and  _why has it gone so quiet on the other end?_

"Kazuki? Are you alright?"

There's no answer, and suddenly so many images flash before his eyes that he can hear is own voice in his head screaming 'NO', and yet… it won't stop,  _why is it quiet on the other end, why isn't he talking, has something happened, he'd usually comeback with a sarcastic comment, why isn't he—_

"Are you still—"

"I'm…"

He can hear the sob in his voice, and Yosuke's heart skips a beat, but for all the wrong reasons, for all the reasons he wished it wouldn't again, and  _dammit, what's going on?_

"I'm truly happy… I met you… and fell in love with you…"

"Why are you—? Where are you? I'm going, just tell me where you are."

His laptop is all but abandoned by now, almost hanging off the side of the table as he abruptly moves from the sofa, fumbling in his pockets for the keys to the door, he wants to go see him,  _needs_  to go see him, something's happening, and—

"Please…" a sharp intake of breath, "I… I love you… so much…"

"Kazuki, what's going on!?"

He's unable to hide the way his voice is cracking, unable to hide the strain, how tired he sounds, how  _fearful_ he sounds, not when the images won't stop flashing in his head, becoming worse by the second.

The coughing on the other end of the line only makes his heart beat more violently, "I'm sorry… I think… I'm gonna be late tonight…"

No. No he can't say that, he… He's not hearing that right, Kazuki's going to be home exactly when he usually is, it's… There's not crying on the other end of the line, there aren't tears falling from his own eyes, it's all in his imagination.

_'Don't do this to me… Please…'_

"You…" he takes a deep breath, collecting himself the best he can, and by  _god_ is that such a difficult task he never thought would be harder than facing Shadows alone, "If you keep doing this you're just gonna get yelled at in class. You're a kid, so you need your eight hours of sleep."

Yosuke can't help the way his voice wavers, the way in which it slowly climbs up the scales and sounds higher, more desperate, as if it hurts to talk, as if it hurts to say such normal things, and he knows that it's not just his imagination now, his legs really are going to give way, he can't do this, he can't,  _not again._

"Then I'll just… sleep with you on the couch… when you get home."

_'I never left the house, you dumbass.'_

He never went to work that day, and in some strange twisted way of fate, it worked out favourably. He's not coping with this at all, and at work it'd be so much worse, why can't he be there with him, to do  _something,_  maybe he could save him… maybe he could…

"Kazuki, I— I love you."

"You already said that…" the tone is so normal to how he usually is with him, so natural, that nothing else seems to matter to the older, "I love you too… I really… really love you…"

"Don't… You can't—"

He doesn't want to be having this conversation, he couldn't even say goodbye to Yu, and there's no way in hell he's saying farewell to Kazuki, not when he's still here, not when he can still hear him on the phone, they've been speaking for a minute or so now, maybe there's still time, maybe if he traced the call himself then he could find where they are…

"Please… please, Kazu—"

_Thud._

Time stops in the moment the sound resonates in Yosuke's ears. The sound of a phone hitting a solid surface, the sound of it slipping away from a hand that has fallen.  _Lifeless._

After what feels like forever of silence, a shrill scream echoes from the speaker, making Yosuke jump and drop his own on the cold laminate flooring.

"No… No, it… They… Kazuki, he…"

No.  _No, no, no, no, no—_

"NO!!" the desperate shout wretches his throat, ripping his vocal chords in the process, but he doesn't care, how could he care when… when…

"Kazuki, please… Please…"

He's slipping against the wall, clinging on for support, though that doesn't last long as he collapses to the floor. Numb. Completely numb.

It hurts.

_'It hurts, it hurts so much, why, why, why..!?'_

"Partner…" his voice comes out as a quiet sob, weak and vulnerable, nothing like his own voice at all, "What do I do,  _please,_  partner, I don’t know what to do… I can't… He's not… I don't want him gone, I  _need_  him, I can't do this without him, it hurts… It's so fucking painful inside…"

Eyesight blurred by the tears, his eyelids only become heavier, fatigue quickly catching up on him. He doesn't want to sleep, he wants to scream and shout, and kick and break things.

He wants to break another mug, he wants to break his laptop, but that sudden thought only has him sobbing harder when he sees the song list on it from the corner of his eye, so he curls up in on himself as he lays there on the floor. Motionless. 

The only movement is the rise and fall of his chest, and he doesn't care if he were to die like this. What's the point in living if everyone he ever cares about dies?

"I love you, Kazuki…" he whispers, unable to hear his own voice now, shock sending him into a dazed state, being dragged away further and further by the need for sleep.

_"I love you… I love you… I love you…"_


End file.
